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借一寸三九天里洌洌暖阳,融这茫茫人间刺骨凉
灯红酒绿的城市,夜色斑斓撩人,这座城,盛满了人类的七情六欲,爱恨喜悲。我在这城中的某个角落里,与苍白的白炽灯为伴,数着自己的人生悲苦。
是不是难过了?如果不是,为什么耳里只是听着低低的歌,眼里就盈满了泪。是不是又想起了?如果不是,为什么又觉得自己是老天的弃儿了?是不是心又在痛了?如果不是,为什么又在暗夜里独自自煎自熬了?
我醉眼迷蒙,我絮语呢喃,像我这样的人,像我这种命的人,人海沉浮二十几载,未见几人。
想起幼时,八、九岁的年纪,并未褪去稚嫩与天真,不懂人间苦,不明人世沧桑,白日,与小朋友嬉笑打闹,不知愁滋味,白天的我,非常快乐。只是当暮色开始降临,所有玩伴都被他们的父母呼唤回家,只余下单薄身躯的自己独自站立在灰褐的苍穹中时,才觉得有几分孤单。往往那时,我就会抱着膝盖,坐在家门口,借着来来往往的汽车灯光,时不时侧头瞟向门前大路的尽头,我在等,我总是在等,成年累月,不管冬雪还是夏雨。
我在等我的爸爸啊,我总是在等着他回家。我不愿一个人,饥肠辘辘地呆在冰冷黑暗的房子里。家的温暖,于那时的我而言,不过是一顿热乎乎的晚饭。
年华渐逝,稍大些,十三四岁,在那样的家庭中,神经已变得敏感,总是能准确感受到身前背后的那些恶意的目光。邻居大人们告诫自己儿女,不能与我为伴,因为我会带坏他们的宝贝,我每一次在他们眼下出现,都像是身负重案的罪人,是十恶不赦的罪人,甚至连仅四岁不谙世事的小朋友,也可以指着我大吼着“不准再来找我姐姐玩。”我委屈着,也难过着,究竟父母的离异,我在他人的眼中,又扮演了什么角色?人世的温暖,于那时的我而言,不过是一个善意的眸光,或者,只一个友善的微笑,他们不知,只言片语,哪怕伪装着关心,也足够撑着我度过整个寒冬。
二十岁,我结婚了,不是爱得有多浓烈,只是伶仃漂泊小半生的我,需要一个家,我迫切的渴望着一个港湾,可以护我周全,免我凄凉。我全力爱着,我努力学着,为人妻,为人媳,我的不好,我的执拗,我的冷血,我的所有缺点,我都在尽力去改变。我觉得那个家里的人,也是在爱着我的,可是有那么一天,我才惊觉,在他们眼里,从始至终,我,不过是一个外人而已。
期盼了太多,所以,就会凉得更彻底。
一开始就错了,我的人生。
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